Monday, December 20, 2004

i love you...........

I went to work today. I was afraid it would be my last chance to work during this pay period. I was glad I did. I was (surprisingly) able to do my job, and talk with co-workers. I was afraid I would just cry all day. It really took my mind off of things to be there. No one asked about mom. A few knew that I had cancelled some shifts because she had been in the hospital. They've either forgotten or assume everything is fine.

When I was walking out at the end of my shift, Sis called me on my cell phone. She said the usual, "what are you doing, how was work," and then there was silence. It was almost like she had dropped the phone then I thought I heard her laugh. Then I realized she was crying so hard she couldn't speak.

I sat in my freezing cold car, tears streaming down my face, and just listened to her cry.

After awhile I said, "I almost made it through a whole day without crying! Thanks a lot!" She knew it was my weird sense of humor but she didn't laugh. She said she had been at mom and dad's. Mom is in pretty good spirits and dad told her he was scared to death.

In our family we've never expressed our emotions much- or at all. If you were sad or scared or upset about something, you just sucked it up and moved on. Over the last several years, things have changed a lot. I don't know what brought on the change or when it really happened but it did. We don't ever see each other without hugging and kissing and saying I love you. EVER. Some people may think that is weird. I'm here to tell you that I am so glad that every time I see my family or even talk to them on the phone, we always say, "I love you."

But to hear that dad actually used the exact words that he is scared to death...... That's a whole new thing. Dad says he loves us but never admits to being afraid.... Of anything......

Mom is handling this all better than any of us. She has always had very strong faith in God. She knows where she is going when she leaves this world. She knows God has a plan that she does not control. She has always said she wanted to live long enough to raise her children. (Her mother died when she was just 4 years old) She is now helping raise her great-grandson.......

She said as long as she knows we're all taken care of, then she is fine with whatever happens...............


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(written September of 2005) I have learned much in the last nine months. I have read that ovarian cancer whispers. I say it screams. It just needs someone to listen. The American Cancer Society statistics for ovarian cancer estimate that there will be 22,220 new cases and 16,210 deaths in 2005. This is a death rate FOUR TIMES that of breast cancer.Almost 70 percent of women with the common epithelial ovarian cancer are not diagnosed until the disease is advanced in stage. The 5-year survival rate for these women is only 15 to 20 percent. This is unacceptable. Women need to be made more aware of the symptoms, and doctors need to listen to their patients. Especially when the patient tells them that they fear they have ovca, as my mother did for almost a year before she was finally diagnosed. It’s so sad and senseless when a woman knows the symptoms but can’t get anyone to listen to what she is saying.