Monday, September 05, 2005

how do I answer?

Many people know that mom has been ill.
Often I am asked how she is..
Often I'm not sure how to answer.

Somehow saying it out loud makes it more real. Saying she isn't doing well, and hearing those words come out of my mouth, effects me in a way I can't describe.

I want to be honest with people- but at the same time do people really want to know?

Do I say "she's hanging in there?" and then change the subject? I'm never sure..
Sometimes I want to scream that she's still sick and it isn't fair!!
Other times I want to say, "everything's wonderful", in hopes that saying it will make it true..


Blogger Mama Mouse said...

Say what you feel you need to say ... what is in your heart ... and don't worry what the person you are talking to will think.

If you want to say she is doing well ... or as well as can be expected .... then DO so. If you want to say she isn't doing well and pour your heart out .... then DO it.

This is not about THEM it is about your mother and you. If they are shocked to hear that she isn't doing well ... maybe that is a GOOD thing. Let them know what the situation is ... and that you are upset ... and by doing that you will show them that you need support. Just a hug can do so much.

Don't try to hold it in ... it won't do you any good ... and it definitely won't do your mother any good.

And there is also this ... maybe the friend you are speaking to ... or the relative ... or whomever ... just might want to say something to your mother. To say thank you for something that was done ... or to apologize for some wrongdoing. By telling them the real situation you give them that chance ... even if it is only in a note.

To boil it down ... say what you want .. when you want ... and don't worry about shocking others. Let your heart guide you.


12:18 AM, September 09, 2005  
Blogger Carmi said...

Mama Mouse is a wise person indeed. I wish I knew what it was about illness and loss that turned perfectly intelligent and communicative people into blithering fools. Folks on both sides never seem to know what to say, and will often err on the side of silence as a defence mechanism.

Sounds like a great opportunity for a book.

(Continuing my journey through your archives.)

9:54 PM, September 17, 2006  

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(written September of 2005) I have learned much in the last nine months. I have read that ovarian cancer whispers. I say it screams. It just needs someone to listen. The American Cancer Society statistics for ovarian cancer estimate that there will be 22,220 new cases and 16,210 deaths in 2005. This is a death rate FOUR TIMES that of breast cancer.Almost 70 percent of women with the common epithelial ovarian cancer are not diagnosed until the disease is advanced in stage. The 5-year survival rate for these women is only 15 to 20 percent. This is unacceptable. Women need to be made more aware of the symptoms, and doctors need to listen to their patients. Especially when the patient tells them that they fear they have ovca, as my mother did for almost a year before she was finally diagnosed. It’s so sad and senseless when a woman knows the symptoms but can’t get anyone to listen to what she is saying.