Tuesday, January 03, 2006

100 days...

Today my mother has been gone for 100 days..

I really expected to follow all of those steps of grief that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross decided we all experience. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance..

I went through the bargaining while mom was still with us.

Depression seems to be a daily occurrence.

I've discovered that I'm very good with Denial. ( I'm so afraid that If I think too much about her, I will fall apart and not be able to function.)

Anger- Oh you bet. I'm angry that such a vibrant and beautiful woman was taken away by this horrible disease. I'm angry that we didn't get to spend more time together. I'm angry that my father is in pain. I'm angry that no one would listen when she told them what was wrong..

Acceptance- I don't believe that will ever happen...

In this day and age, where we hope and wish and pray for miracles,
I keep reminding myself that life itself is a miracle.
Feeling the love my father has for my mother when he speaks of her is a miracle..
Seeing my mother's eyes when I look at my sister is a miracle..
Hearing the music that my children play because it was passed to them through the generations of my mother's family is a miracle..
Watching my grandson grow into a loving caring little boy because it's what my mother taught him is a miracle..

Breathing for a hundred days is a miracle...

(written September of 2005) I have learned much in the last nine months. I have read that ovarian cancer whispers. I say it screams. It just needs someone to listen. The American Cancer Society statistics for ovarian cancer estimate that there will be 22,220 new cases and 16,210 deaths in 2005. This is a death rate FOUR TIMES that of breast cancer.Almost 70 percent of women with the common epithelial ovarian cancer are not diagnosed until the disease is advanced in stage. The 5-year survival rate for these women is only 15 to 20 percent. This is unacceptable. Women need to be made more aware of the symptoms, and doctors need to listen to their patients. Especially when the patient tells them that they fear they have ovca, as my mother did for almost a year before she was finally diagnosed. It’s so sad and senseless when a woman knows the symptoms but can’t get anyone to listen to what she is saying.