Thursday, April 20, 2006

how i am.....

Someone very kindly asked how I am.. The past seven months have been obviously difficult for me. Seven months sounds like such a long time, yet I can't believe that amount of time has passed so quickly.
I am still a master at denying my feelings and I keep waiting for that moment when I break down and really cry over the loss of my best friend. I think I learned the art of this while mom was sick.. (
My life is moving on, and to outsiders it seems that all is well. I even received a big promotion at work. (The first thing I wanted to do was call mom..)
My personal relationships, however, have suffered. I've not found anyone I am close enough to that I can talk with about my feelings.....
I took some flowers to mom's grave on Easter Sunday and my husband came along with me. I asked him if he had seen her headstone yet and he said he hadn't been able to- not meaning he hadn't found the time - but hadn't been able to bring himself to go. (The cemetary is very close to where we live and we pass by it every day)
He held me, and he cried, and I couldn't shed a tear.........


Blogger michellec7 said...


I came across your site while researching about cancer.

Your words about -just a dash- were poignant and so true.

I am an advocacy intern for the Lance Armstrong Foundation and am working on an event called LiveSTRONG Day. On May 17th, we are bringing attention to the real issues that those affected by cancer face--both on Capitol Hill and in our communities. As part of the effort, we are asking people to blog about cancer issues most important to them on May 17th.

I really feel like what you have to say about your mom's cancer is important and that others can definitely learn from your mom's story.

Thank you for sharing~


Feel free to contact me at if you would like more information.

4:17 PM, April 20, 2006  
Anonymous Meg said...


It'll be 5 years this June since I lost my Mum, and I still want to reach for the phone to talk to her. Since I've been unwell, I dream about her more and more; its really strange. There's hardly a day which goes by where I haven't had a dream involving my Mum. Sometimes I think that I was just so busy after she died; looking after my Dad and seemingly trying to get on with my life, that its only when illness has struck me down that I have given her space. Do you know what I mean?

I am sorry you're not able to talk about her. Feel free to email me anytime if you want a chat!!

5:07 PM, April 21, 2006  
Blogger rashbre said...

It's very difficult for me to make comments here.

You have strength and self knowledge in grief, celebration and empathy with your mother.

I have never thought about the dash before, but it is profound. One of my little mind hooks is 'spend it well' and this is about the dash.

Be J's daughter, but be you too.



{Michele sent me}

2:25 PM, April 22, 2006  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Michele sent me today and I am so sorry that you lost your Mom...I know how that is my dear, having lost my Mom, too and to CAncer, as was a long time ago, but it not something you forget, ever. I am a big cryer and have always been able to cry I'm glad to say. I wish you could cry. I wish I could put my arms around you and tell you to 'Let Go'...That it's not only alright, but it will heal some things in you if you are able to cry...You probably have heard this before but have you thought about a 'Grief Group'... it wasn't something that I personally felt the need for, BUT, I know it can be a wonderfully helpful experience because you are there with other people who have had a deep inconsolable loss, too...sometimes that is what it takes to have that dam break loose...I wish for you what I would wish for myself....a safe place to break down in....
May you find the safety you need, my dear...I send you hugs.

2:35 PM, April 22, 2006  
Blogger Carmi said...

I wish there were words that I could summon to bring you comfort. But everyone grieves in different ways, and far be it for me to assume that a writer's letters on a screen can make that much of a difference.

I lost my grandfather to leukemia when I was a child. He was my idol, my mentor, everything I wanted to be when I grew up. Leukemia has picked through my family since then, taking the dearest souls to me, and leaving me to wonder when it will strike even closer to home.

I can't control if and when it will strike. But I can control how I choose to use the days I've been given: true gifts, if there ever could be such a thing.

I hug my wife and kids that much harder and longer. I tell them I love them, constantly. I sit toward the edge of a room and just watch them.

I just want to know that my time here was used well. You clearly used your time with your Mom to great effect. Somehow, somewhere, she has to know that. And your writing about her now is so helpful to everyone who reads you.

May your life be blessed from here on out. May your mother's memory always give you strength.

5:22 PM, April 22, 2006  
Blogger Sandy said...

I am so sorry for you recent loss. There can never be a time frame put on "acceptable" or "average" grieving processes. My mom is my best friend as well. I know when I have to face life without her there to laugh with and cry with, there will be a hole.

I wish I had more to offer than a few hollow words though. The best I can do is offer a set of eyes to read the words you need to commit to paper and ten fingers to type a quick note saying "I am here and I hear you."

If that helps, then I'm glad to do it.

6:23 PM, April 22, 2006  
Anonymous Jennysue said...

My husband lost his father to cancer three years ago. I was by his side from diagnosis to his passing, eight months later. Since this time, he has not really done much expression of feeling and it worries me. So, as I listen to you, it reminds me of how he deals with this tremendous loss of a parent. I thing we all handle our grief differently, and though you may not have been able to cry, you are expressing yourself her to us. We are always here to listen, to support you. I think you are an very strong woman, and I am sure your mom is quite proud of you.

12:51 PM, April 26, 2006  
Blogger Laurie said...

I hope writing about it all helps you as much as it helps those of us who read it.

11:40 AM, April 27, 2006  

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(written September of 2005) I have learned much in the last nine months. I have read that ovarian cancer whispers. I say it screams. It just needs someone to listen. The American Cancer Society statistics for ovarian cancer estimate that there will be 22,220 new cases and 16,210 deaths in 2005. This is a death rate FOUR TIMES that of breast cancer.Almost 70 percent of women with the common epithelial ovarian cancer are not diagnosed until the disease is advanced in stage. The 5-year survival rate for these women is only 15 to 20 percent. This is unacceptable. Women need to be made more aware of the symptoms, and doctors need to listen to their patients. Especially when the patient tells them that they fear they have ovca, as my mother did for almost a year before she was finally diagnosed. It’s so sad and senseless when a woman knows the symptoms but can’t get anyone to listen to what she is saying.